Birthing in the New Normal

During Dani's pregnancy it didn't quite feel real. I was slightly detached as many dad's must feel during the process. We don't have the same connection, physiological changes, and emotional connection as momma. I was supportive but I was also a bit reserved. Part of that may have been because of going through a previous pregnancy, the newness of the experience was not present. Maybe our age and worrying about the viability of the pregnancy had me slightly removed. Whatever the case was I know that I wasn't nearly as empathic, present, and connected as I should have been. And then it happened... My wife called me at work to let me know she was getting close. I sped home. Seriously! Flew home, even got the speeding (warning) ticket to prove it. I ran in the door to check on Dani. Finding out she was ok and we had some time I began walking through the house loading up the last few things for the hospital, constantly circling back to my wife to make sure she was ok.This birthing experience was so unique and unusual in both a sad and frightening way, but also in an intimate and beautiful way.First, because of Covid19, the way in which a patient is cared for is wholly unique. We arrived to the hospital to find we couldn't enter through the Birthing Center doors. We had to enter through the E. R. and be screened before being allowed entry. The staff kindly retrieved a wheelchair for my wife. As I rolled her down the hallway to the birthing center, it dawned on me that this was not going to be like any other experience of our lives. We were at the hospital alone. It was an eye opening moment. We just had each other. Dani didn't have the support of her mom, the extra hand to hold, and the motherly advice and comforting words. But like I said, it was both frightening and beautiful. The amount of bonding and trust that this experience allowed us to create will stick with us throughout our entire lives. I was given the opportunity to be there for everything, fully part of the entire process rather than just a bystander or simply support. Danielle had every intention of having a vaginal birth. Unfortunately, that wasn't the universe's/God's plan for us. It was a heartbreaking decision we had to make to have a C-section. We sat on it, we morned it, and we cried about it together. Our openness to each other strengthened our bond in one of the most difficult positions we've been in. Although it was difficult, what we learned postpartum reinforced our decision. Knowing the potential complications that could have been made the decision easier to bear in hindsight.And then there's little Miss Addelyn. 😍 It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions with little Miss. Going from being distant pre-labor to this heightened level of protectiveness was an emotional tidal wave. My level of protectiveness growing by the minute. The nurses were constantly observing Dani and baby and they did an amazing job of keeping us informed and providing all options and outcomes. But with all the additional information comes the additional worry and anxiety. I kept calm because that's what my wife needed from me but I was definitely as fearful as she was through the stages of labor. After the decision was made to head to the O. R. for the C-section, I sat quietly outside the O. R. awaiting them to get me. As they prepped Dani in the O.R. I took several deep breaths and compartmentalized my emotions because I have no idea what the next hours have in store for us. The Doctor who performed the C-section was very well regarded and was incredible. From incision to close up it took 25 minutes and he handled Danielle amazingly. However, because of the early water breaking and Addelyn relieving herself several times before removal, she came out covered in meconium(poop). While the nurse's were cleaning her off she never let out that big cry. We began to worry about her airways and lungs. They rushed her out of the room into the nursery. I stood there between my baby and my wife on the operating table torn as I am charged with protecting them both. Danielle indicated to me that I should follow baby and I ran down the hallway after her. When I got into the nursery they were clearing out her throat and airways. I stood there as tears filled up my face mask watching her on a CPAP machine and a tube down her throat clearing out all the meconium. They had to teleconference with the NICU in Portland and went over her symptoms and conditions. The entire time Addelyn was wide-eyed and alert, proper color and strong heart rate. Eventually they took her off the CPAP machine. She never did let out that big cry or take that deep breath. The nurses pulled out 9 ml of gunk from her airways. She was perfectly healthy, she just didn't want to follow anyone elses rules for birthing! 😂😍 But going back to my previous statements, this experience was both frightening and beautiful. Going from being distant to being thrust into an uber-protective state of being will always define Addelyn and my relationship.I love my girls with all of my heart. ❤️ This experience was stressful, heartbreaking, and exhausting... But it was also intimate, character building, beautiful, and purposeful. We all came out of it with our own scars, either physical, emotional, or mental, but we also gained strength, love, and a bond that will be there forever. 💚💙👨‍👩‍👧